Lavender.
She hadn’t been sleeping well for days now. The light on the landing had become a residual comfort as it spilled into her bedroom with resolute assurance. This was not normal for Sarah, being unable to sleep in the dark. Sleep was easy; a well deserved break from her busy life but of late she had begun to feel a slight sense of foreboding when reaching to turn out the light and within a few days she ceased in this act completely. The landing light was her new best friend.
She had no explanation as to why she had gained this sudden trouble in achieving the sweet solitude she was usually accustomed. Up until this blip she had always been somewhat of a night owl, relishing the silence and dreamlike state the side of the world in which she occupied seemed to inhabit once everyone’s curtains were closed and they were tucked up beneath their cosy covers of a thousand quilts. The night time allowed her to break away from who she was now and return to who she had been when she was not yet sixteen. Curtains drawn, television on low, glass in hand and head gliding back on floral pillows her mother thought would give her flat a more grown up style. Her thoughts would always slip right back to the days of giggling at the back of Year 10 English or running through the football field at lunchtime to the shaded place beneath the trees where no teachers would ever look. Her life was a million miles away now though; wife, mother and part time music teacher she could barely remember who she had once been while continuously on the go. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes she missed this care free girl and her sleep deprivation made her long for her memory more than ever before.
***
As she closed her car door with a click and walked up to the old house with her son Sam in arm, she pondered how wealthy families found it easy to pay for the up keep of such grand homes. This house was no exception, gigantic in size and swelling with the wealth of a different time it leered over its country surroundings with austere harshness. It had a cruel beauty that seemed to make everyone around act quietly. The reception was desolate apart from a single lonely receptionist who could barley muster a smile in Sarah’s direction and she couldn’t help but feel as though the receptionist wanted her to leave so she wouldn’t have to speak to her.
“Erm, hi . . . I have a room booked under the name Johnson, Sarah Johnson?” she said in hushed tones.
“Hmm? Oh yes, now let me see, Johnson . . . yes there you are. Not that it’s hard to find you, you’re our only guest tonight.” The receptionist said, seeming to have warmed up slightly.
“Really? You must have many rooms in a house so big?”
“Fifteen in total. There was supposed to be a old retired couple staying on tonight as well but they decided to skip out early so you and your little boy will be the only one’s we’ll see for breakfast in the morning. Feel free to order whatever you like, I’ll have to the time to cook it!” she said with a little snort of laughter, her glasses sliding a little down her nose.
“Oh, so you’re the cook as well as the receptionist?” said Sarah feeling pleased that her first impression of the receptionist had been altered somewhat.
“I’m the caretaker, cleaner, housekeeper, you name in round here! We don’t get as many guests as you might think seen as we’re off the beaten track so one member of staff can usually handle all the main duties the owner finds.” She pushed her glasses up her nose with her index finger and reached round to extract a key from an open box screwed to the wall containing all the room keys.
“Here you go Mrs Johnson, it’s just up the stairs and the first door on the right. Enjoy your stay.”
“Thank you. I’ll be thrilled if I can manage to get some sound sleep tonight, I haven’t slept well for days.” Sarah wondered straight after she’d finished her sentence why she had chosen to share this with the receptionist, maybe it was how her face had become so much friendlier now she was up close or maybe it was because she was the only other person here to speak to at all.
“Oh well, you should try lavender, it’s wonderful for aiding a restful night’s sleep.” The receptionist said looking down at Sam and smiling. “Bet he’ll do his best to keep you up though?”
“Well, actually he’s a very good baby. Quite a heavy sleeper and he tends to sleep straight through so here’s hoping he will tonight! Anyway, I think I’ll see myself up.”
She turned with Sam in one arm and her overnight bag in the other and headed up the stairs until she reached the first door on the right, which had the number one scrawled upon it. Next to it hung an old painting of a young woman in a lilac dress and a purple flower in her hair. Underneath the plaque read: ‘Selena Comings – Lady of the House, 1898.’ Inside the room was clean and bright and the king-size bed that took pride of place in the room looked incredibly inviting. A pristine white cot stood adjacent and two small mints lay on the fluffy white pillows of the bed. Sarah thought her best plan of action would be to tire herself and Sam out by going for a walk through the house’s grounds before coming back here and getting an early night. It was her husband, Martin, who had suggested she take the night away while he was at his conference so she could try and get a solid night’s sleep. He thought she might do better in different surrounding and Sarah couldn’t see how she could not sleep well in this room.
***
After returning from their long walk, which had only ended by the somewhat sudden cover of darkness, they were greeted by the deep and potent scent of lavender as they entered the bedroom. Looking around she found a large sprig of lavender tied with a white ribbon lying upon her pillow and Sarah felt a warm sense of gratitude at considering how the receptionist must have gone into the gardens to cut some fresh lavender to help her sleep. She really could not believe the first impression she had had of her now.
She reached for the sprig and brought it to her nose with a long intake of breath. The scent was almost overpowering in its freshness and she slid it under her pillow and then proceeded to get herself and her son ready for bed.
***
After a little tossing and turning it appeared that the lavender had worked its magic and Sarah had drifted into a deep and fierce sleep. Her breathing was deep and relaxed and her son lay beside her in the cot, his own breathing in unison with his mother’s. The window on the far left of the room was slightly ajar and a quiet but high pitched whistling could be heard through the crack. The net curtains billowed on occasion and let in a glimmer on moonlight that shone briefly upon the carpet before being snatched away again. Throughout the house doors and stairs creaked. A rat scuttled across the attic floor as if startled and the distant sound of moving bedsprings could be heard from a far off part of the house.
Sarah turned over in her own bed facing away from the window and her breathing became shallower as though she had caught a sudden draft of cold. She was dreaming. Dreaming of a young woman with a beautiful face and long, dark curls for hair which housed a single purple flower. She sat on a velvet chair so pale it was as if she had been handcrafted in watercolour. The colour of her dress was so faint she could barely make it out. What was it? A dull sound of scratching could be heard miles away, outside. She felt the air change as the beautiful woman began to rise to her feet. She towered over her in statuesque refinement, her dress bellowing like the net curtains. No, through the net curtains. No, how could that be? One hand on the arm of the velvet chair and one on the – what? Sarah turned back over in her sleep as the woman of such grand beauty clasped her hand to the frame of the window outside and scratched lightly so as to not wake the child. The hand slithered through the open crack and worked the handle of the next much larger window.
With concrete determination she silently flung open the other window and with a satisfied smile on her pure looking face she slipped like a shadow into the bedroom and glided across the floor to the bed, but not before stealing a glance into the pristine white cot. The cot that should have been home to so many babies and yet never was. Well, now finally it would be, for all eternity.
Sarah began to cough lightly as the figure in the (what was it, blue? Lilac?) dress drew nearer to her as she lay on the bed made for two. Her eyes flickered beneath their lids as the beauty’s youthful hands grew ever closer, closer to her throat then . . . stop. Draw back, then one hand dropped to the mattress and felt beside where its victim lay – dreaming. Still dreaming? Under the pillow the hand slid, fluid as water, until it froze with shocking certainty.
***
When the only guests had not come down for breakfast the next morning the receptionist feared that they must have left very early without paying because they were so dissatisfied. She could hardly be surprised, this had happened quite a lot of late. So she decided, after waiting till after lunchtime on the off chance the young woman and her son were sleeping in late, to go up to room one and perform her role as housekeeper.
She knocked on the door in a perfunctory manner and when no answer came she tried the handle. Locked. Using the skeleton key she dubiously turned the lock and the door creaked open slowly to reveal the before her.
Lying in the king-size bed made for two lay her rigid and ice cold body. Her bright eyes wide open in shock and anger and protruding from her mouth could be seen a small purple flower with white ribbon dangling down her chin.
The pristine white cot that stood next to her lay empty.
Tuesday 12 October 2010
Wednesday 22 September 2010
Madcap 50's glam and glorious melodies . . .
On a much lighter note my Paloma Faith cd arrived in the post today and I feel the need to profess my love for her! She has a truely amazing voice, is a fierce campaigner for bringing 50's glam back to the mainstream and she's also as mad as a box of frogs! I adore her and encourage all of you to buy her album Do you want the truth or something beautiful?, or at least listen to some of her songs on YouTube. Smoke and Mirrors and Stargazer are particular delights. Go forth and purchase bloggers . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TkmriXKoVc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8H4d_0yw6g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TkmriXKoVc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8H4d_0yw6g
Ever so evil enticement!
So, I open a letter from my bank today and they have decided to inform me that they have taken the liberty to 'reserve' me a loan for £13,000, if I would like to accept it? Now, I know this is junk but it is also a standard that the company employ, which basically means trying to ensnare not so well off people into accepting this generous offer so that maybe they can leave the terribly underpaid and under appreciated jobs they spend their days slaving away at and attempt to fulfill their modest dreams. These dreams are even stated within this oh so very kindly sounding letter. We understand you the company say. We know what its like. Hell they do! These life-ruining decisions are made by immensely rich stuffed shirts who, ironically, have never needed to borrow money in the entirety of their lives!
This also transfers over to the likes of University's and, lets never forget, the Government who seem determined to make decisions on the basis that people choose to be in the positions their in so indeed deserve what they have to put up with. The high and mighty attitude of these blessed few is responsible for keeping the working class in their place, exactly bellow them! Causing continuous debit is another way to keep the poor poor, and then they have the audacity to blame you for your poor choices once they realise you can't pay them back!
But of course, they knew that already didn't they? I mean their willing to give £13,000 to a full time student with over £3,000 in tuition fee costs and is only contracted to earn £18 a week. Well, they would take that for a start so I would have no money to live on, then they would force me to sell the car I drive, and I'm guessing they still wouldn't be happy even if they took the clothes off my back! Funny isn't it how these friendly companies can suddenly turn into monsters seemingly overnight?
In short, these banks, companies, Universities etc should not be allowed through (morally bankrupt) Government policy to send out deliciously enticing letters to members of the public who are too beaten down by The Man to fight back anymore.
Bastards.
P.S. I shall be burning my letter.
This also transfers over to the likes of University's and, lets never forget, the Government who seem determined to make decisions on the basis that people choose to be in the positions their in so indeed deserve what they have to put up with. The high and mighty attitude of these blessed few is responsible for keeping the working class in their place, exactly bellow them! Causing continuous debit is another way to keep the poor poor, and then they have the audacity to blame you for your poor choices once they realise you can't pay them back!
But of course, they knew that already didn't they? I mean their willing to give £13,000 to a full time student with over £3,000 in tuition fee costs and is only contracted to earn £18 a week. Well, they would take that for a start so I would have no money to live on, then they would force me to sell the car I drive, and I'm guessing they still wouldn't be happy even if they took the clothes off my back! Funny isn't it how these friendly companies can suddenly turn into monsters seemingly overnight?
In short, these banks, companies, Universities etc should not be allowed through (morally bankrupt) Government policy to send out deliciously enticing letters to members of the public who are too beaten down by The Man to fight back anymore.
Bastards.
P.S. I shall be burning my letter.
Wednesday 3 March 2010
Friday 26 February 2010
The Lovely Bones Verdict
Okay, so went or go see The Lovely Bones on Wednesday and yes, it was as brilliant as I'd speculated. It was so beautifully sad that I now really want to read the book. If the book's better than the film (which they almost always are, although this may well be an exception) then it's a marvelous read. Just to bad I can't read it yet becuase I'm still buried under all my books from the library. Why do I never think about how much reading I will have to do when I pick my modules? Will have to wait until the summer then, but that won't stop me ordering it off Amazon right now!
Thursday 18 February 2010
The Lovely Bones and Glee
Okay, my cultural artifacts for this week come in the form of something I haven't actually seen yet or a song-and-dance tv show that I just can't get enough of.
The Lovely Bones is a new film based on the novel by Alice Sebold. It's directed by the visionary Peter Jackson and focuses on the (short) life of Suzie Salmon, a young girl growing up in the 1970's who is brutally murdered by a guy who lives down the road. Now I know this doesn't sound like the kind of film your going to want to take in on date night or cinema sunday, but I'm not done yet. Suzie is caught between the living and the dead where she watches her family from the safety of her own world. This is where the beauty of the film is executed by Jackson and why I cannot wait to see it! The performances are very likely to be outstanding and heartfelt, while the elegance of Suzie's imagination and painful reality of her family's lives will evoke the watcher to tears (I know I will cry like a girl.) The trailer gives me chills when I catch it on telly and if the reviews are anything to go by then it's going to be one of the best films of 2010! Go see it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikUWKi0W5_g
On a much, much lighter note, I am also entralled with the brand spanking new tv show Glee, which suprised even myself. You see, when what appears to be everyone was prancing and dancing about to Mamma Mia I decided to stay well away. I have even attempted (attempted!) to watch it since everyone stopped dancing and I still can't stand it and do not see the point in its existance. This is exactly why I was so suprised to be loving Glee, but I am! So I willfully pronouce myself a Glee Fan! I just can't get enough of the pre-recorded songs, spectacularly executed through-months-of-practice dance routines, wildly stretched story lines (what kind of husband wouldn't know if his wife was really pregnant? Don't they sleep in the same bed?) and obscene Americaness of it all! It verges on the onbsurd at times and its fab. I urge everyone to surrender themeselves to a bit of song and dance once a week. I guarentee that nothing will make feel better on a monday night than perhaps if you watch it with Johnny Depp feeding you chocolate!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8_blndbOiQ&feature=related
The Lovely Bones is a new film based on the novel by Alice Sebold. It's directed by the visionary Peter Jackson and focuses on the (short) life of Suzie Salmon, a young girl growing up in the 1970's who is brutally murdered by a guy who lives down the road. Now I know this doesn't sound like the kind of film your going to want to take in on date night or cinema sunday, but I'm not done yet. Suzie is caught between the living and the dead where she watches her family from the safety of her own world. This is where the beauty of the film is executed by Jackson and why I cannot wait to see it! The performances are very likely to be outstanding and heartfelt, while the elegance of Suzie's imagination and painful reality of her family's lives will evoke the watcher to tears (I know I will cry like a girl.) The trailer gives me chills when I catch it on telly and if the reviews are anything to go by then it's going to be one of the best films of 2010! Go see it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikUWKi0W5_g
On a much, much lighter note, I am also entralled with the brand spanking new tv show Glee, which suprised even myself. You see, when what appears to be everyone was prancing and dancing about to Mamma Mia I decided to stay well away. I have even attempted (attempted!) to watch it since everyone stopped dancing and I still can't stand it and do not see the point in its existance. This is exactly why I was so suprised to be loving Glee, but I am! So I willfully pronouce myself a Glee Fan! I just can't get enough of the pre-recorded songs, spectacularly executed through-months-of-practice dance routines, wildly stretched story lines (what kind of husband wouldn't know if his wife was really pregnant? Don't they sleep in the same bed?) and obscene Americaness of it all! It verges on the onbsurd at times and its fab. I urge everyone to surrender themeselves to a bit of song and dance once a week. I guarentee that nothing will make feel better on a monday night than perhaps if you watch it with Johnny Depp feeding you chocolate!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8_blndbOiQ&feature=related
Just a little link . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkQn12ZPTJU&feature=related
A lovely performance of a lovely song in a lovely film. Enjoy!
A lovely performance of a lovely song in a lovely film. Enjoy!
Wednesday 10 February 2010
Weekend To Remember
This weekend was going to be great. Jess hadn’t seen Shannon in over a month. They’d both been so busy lately that it was amazing they were able to organise spending today together. A major shopping trip was just what they both needed. Shannon had said she’d been working flat out at the office lately and Jess had only recently returned from Amsterdam where she’d been employed to write an article about the city’s Red Light District it was famed for. Not really Jess’s cup of tea but she loved the travelling. This new job was proving to live up to her expectations, she only hoped that Sam wasn’t feeling neglected at all. They had just celebrated their second wedding anniversary, not on the actual date though because it had clashed with her trip so they celebrated before she went. He was still as romantic as when they first met five years ago. Roses, chocolates, dinner in a fancy restaurant, they whole deal. Jess really felt like she’d landed a good one when she married Sam. She was alone in the house for the time being though as he was away for the weekend with the guys from work for a stag do. She needn’t worry about him, he was always the responsible one of the group. This was another reason why the weekend seemed destined for her and Shannon to spend together. Her home could be a girl only zone ‘till tomorrow afternoon. Jess realised she was running late so she quickly swigged her coffee, threw on her coat and was out the door.
The train was packed. Though it was to be expected, it was Saturday after all. Jess managed to get a seat early on which she was glad of because it was rather a long journey into the centre of town. Jess took out her book and began to read absent-mindedly. She found herself re-reading the same line over and over again so she decided to cease reading and just look out of the window for the remainder of the journey. She thought of what her hubby might be up to at the moment and how she had forgotten this morning to take her multi-vitamin tablet. She was angry with herself. It was so important for her body to be as healthy as it possibly could be at the moment. Jess also wondered about how withdrawn Shannon had seemed on their last few rendezvous’. Her husband Mark worked away a great deal and so she was often left to her own devises. She didn’t really have many close friends and with Jess’s new job also requiring her to work away Shannon often had to spend her evenings after work alone in their big house. Jess had often wondered why they had so many bedrooms and yet they didn’t seem intent on having children. After all they had been married for going on six years now.
Just as the thought of babies crossed her mind for the tenth time this morning Jess spotted a very heavily pregnant woman board the train. The carriage was still rammed with people and no one seemed likely to move for the young woman, let alone give up their seat. Jess hesitated. She was incredibly comfy where she was sat but she projected herself into the young woman’s position. Jess was very used to doing this. She always enjoyed pretending inside her head what it would be like to be pregnant. She wished for it so badly in reality that it couldn’t help but spill over into fantasy as well. Jess got up and offered the young woman her seat. She was extremely grateful and they proceeded to chat lightly about pregnancy related issues until Jess’s stop came some ten minutes later. She felt rather uplifted by this encounter but at the same time she felt the familiar pang of desire and hoped that she wouldn’t encounter anymore pregnant women today.
* * *
“God it feels like ages since we last saw each other. Don’t you think? How long’s it been, a month?” Shannon’s voice was full of excitement.
“Yeah, about that. You look so well, positively radiant hun. How’s the job?” said Jess with a small sigh of relief. She had been half expecting a reserved Shannon that needed coaxing out of her shell and she was glad that she didn’t have to apologise for being away either. She really hadn’t been looking forward to doing that because Jess could never pretend to feel something she didn’t and she loved being sent away to work.
“Oh it’s fine, same as ever. You, on the other hand, have been having a whale of time haven’t you? Oh, no need to look at me like that, I’m really happy for you. It’s great to have a job you love it’s just too bad we can’t all have that. Anyway, I have some news.” They had entered the food court of the Meteor shopping centre and had decided to sit at a table near the jacket potato shop. The hall was positively buzzing with the sound of happy shoppers pleased to not be in work and who were taking full advantage of the summer sales. Jess eyed an elderly couple who had just seated themselves by the balcony overlooking the lower level of shops. She watched as the husband took his wife’s coat and placed it lovingly on the empty chair beside him and again she thought of Sam.
“News? What kind of news?” Jess knew it had to be something positive because Shannon looked as though she was ready to burst. She couldn’t remember the last time she saw her this ecstatic.
“Well ... I’m pregnant! Can you believe it? I can’t, I’m so excited. I’m only two weeks gone which I know is very early but I felt sick the other day so I just thought I’d see and, well, I am. I went to the doctors yesterday and she confirmed it. It still hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m going to be a mum. Well, what you think?” Shannon’s voice stopped as abruptly as it had began and Jess felt herself being pulled out of the dark pit she had just fallen into at the sound of Shannon’s announcement.
“Oh, yes well, of course it’s wonderful. Congratulations. I’m really happy for you.” She said whilst trying to force a wide smile across her face. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy for Shannon, it was just that they had both wanted to start a family for a while now and it had become somewhat of a friendly competition between them as to who would get pregnant first. Jess had always thought it would be her because she is the younger of the two and she couldn’t help but feel a long, sharp stab of jealousy at the news. “So is that why I haven’t seen you in such a while, because of all this?” Jess said, trying to drag herself out of her jealousy spiral.
“Yeah that’s right, and I have been super busy with work, overtime and all that.” Shannon said with a little of the smile fading from the corners of her mouth. “Anyway, let’s shop. I need to get as much in now before I’m too big to carry my own shopping bags!”
* * *
Jess slammed the door closed behind her. It had been a long afternoon shopping with Shannon. All the talk of hormones and pregnancy cravings had began to wear on her in the end, and she didn’t much enjoy being hauled into Mothercare to look at tiny baby clothes and cots. It had crossed Jess’s mind more than once during the afternoon that Shannon was rubbing her nose into all this baby stuff, and was having a great time doing it. Jess felt a little moody with her friend now she was home but then thought of how she would behave if she had been the first to find out she was having a baby, and she allowed the annoyed part of herself to slip away.
She clicked the kettle on and sat at the oak dining table to survey what she had bought. She was just contemplating why exactly she’d bought a rainbow coloured halter neck dress when she heard the front door open and close on itself. “Joe.” She said to herself quietly. He always had a habit of sneaking about if he could. He came through to the kitchen and made a bee line straight for the fridge without even so much as a nod towards Jess.
After a moment or two of loading items such as a packet of ham and a loaf of bread into his arms and taking them over to the counter he said, “Hiya J, didn’t see you there. You making a cuppa? I’d love one myself.” So Jess got up and placed a second cup next to her own and poured the hot water over the tea bags. Her brother always did this type of thing so she was never much fussed when he came round and raided her fridge. Joe had a habit of dropping by unannounced. He lived in a flat a few miles away with two other guys and worked as a freelance photographer, at least when he could get the work. He used to model in his teens and when the jobs dried up as he got older he decided to move behind the camera, but Jess always had the impression that he resented all the fresh faced talent that walked through his door and, as a result, never made an effort to book new jobs. “So, how’s your day been J? I can see you’ve been shopping.” Joe said as he buttered a slice of bread.
“Yeah, I met up with Shannon and we had a girls day. Thought I might as well with Sam being away. How come you never went on the stag do, I thought you we’re friends with John as well?” Jess noticed that Joe had tensed slightly when she had mentioned Shannon’s name.
After a moments pause Joe said, “Ah well, you know how it is J, no money.”
“Well at least your saving money by eating my food. Oh, you never guess what she told me Joe?” Shannon’s announcement had just hurtled back into Jess’s brain.
“Hmmm?” Said Joe, without an ounce of interest.
“She’s pregnant. Told me today, she could hardly contain herself she’s so excited. I’m please for her of course but I can’t help thinking that ... Joe? You okay?” Jess watched as he spilled his tea all over her kitchen floor. He seamed surprised. “Joe?” She said again after no reply, “You alright?”
“Oh yeah, sure. Sorry J it’s just ... the tea’s hot, u know. Didn’t realise. I’m an idiot. Anyway better be off. Things to do and all that.” Joe said sounding suddenly rather flustered. He made a grab for his coat and was already halfway to the door before shouting back, “I’ll see you later, Sis.” The door slammed behind him and Jess was left standing in her kitchen staring at Joe’s half-made sandwiches. He had forgotten to take them. That wasn’t like him at all Jess thought to herself.
What had gotten into him, and why had he flipped out when she’d told him Shannon was pregnant? Then, almost instantaneously, Jess froze. A horrid thought was beginning to crawl across her sane thoughts like an evil little cockroach and her mind started racing. Joe had seemed utterly surprised, shocked even, to learn that Shannon was pregnant despite the fact that everyone knew how much she wanted a baby. It was as well documented within their circle of friends as Jess’s desire for a baby was. So why was he shocked? That tiny evil cockroach was growing bigger by the second when she recalled how he had tensed at even the mere mention of her name. “No!” Jess gasped, almost inaudibly. “He couldn’t be, could he?” She was ashamed to think it but she knew her brother’s reputation and how well he and Shannon got on. “He couldn’t be ... the father?” Her words seemed to echo across the room and linger so that she was unable to let go of them. She shook herself and insisting on thinking logically. Joe couldn’t be the father, when would they have had any time alone together? Plus her husband Mark had only recently whisked his wife away to Venice to apologise for being away a lot. At that moment Jess couldn’t believe Shannon complained about him as much as she did when he did things like that. “That must have been it.” She whispered to herself with a sigh of relief. “That must have been when she conceived.”
Jess couldn’t believe that she could think so ill of her oldest and closest friend so she decided to ring her, more for her own benefit than Shannon’s. After all, they had only seen each other some two hours ago. She picked up the phone dialled the familiar number.
“Hello?” It was a man’s voice that answered. Mark, the husband.
“Hi Mark, it’s Jess. Is Shan about at all?”
“Sorry no, she’s just popped out to the shop for milk. I can get her to ring you back if it’s urgent?” Mark said, through the sound of rustling papers.
“No never mind. I was just after a little chat, nothing important.” She was beginning to feel an enormous fool at having phoned to casually question her friend over who the father of her baby was. How could she even think it? To deflect the situation she decided to have a talk to Mark. She hadn’t spoken to him in what felt like a long time, though she chose not to mention the baby as she wasn’t sure Shannon had told him yet. It was funny how she had hardly mentioned Mark during their shopping trip but Jess quickly forced herself yet again to swallowed the seed of doubt growing in her throat “Anyway Mark, how you been keeping? How was the romantic trip to Venice? I bet Shannon was totally thrilled when you surprised her?”
“Ah, we never went.” His voice was firm and nonchalant. “I was called for a job in Reykjavik at the last minute ‘cause one of the guys from our team couldn’t make it, some family thing, so I volunteered. It was no big deal, only three weeks. Shannon understands it’s just part of my job. She’s probably used to it by now. Anyways, I better let you go. Got tons of paperwork here anyhow. Do you want me to tell Shannon you called?” Mark appeared in a hurry to get off the phone. Probably couldn’t wait to get back to work, Jess thought.
“Er ... no don’t bother. Just ask her to pop round tomorrow if she can. Erm, thanks Mark, speak to you soon.” Said Jess hanging up the phone. She felt bewildered by his abruptness and she began to understand why Shannon moaned about him so often. Mark didn’t seem to realise that he was putting his wife last after his job and his own needs, and in an instant Jess could understand the possibility of her friend seeking comfort from another man while her husband was away. As he so often was. Maybe Joe had been there for her when Mark had been in Iceland? After all, the dates would match and it wasn’t possible for Mark to be the father if he was indeed away for as long as he said. Jess felt so lucky to have Sam at that instant.
* * *
The next morning Jess awaited the arrival of Shannon with bated breath. She wanted to know the truth. Partly because it involved her brother but also because she felt as though she was loosing touch with her dearest friend and even though this was a complicated situation, she didn’t want to let their friendship slip away. Jess was going to make sure that she let Shannon know that she supported her, no matter what the truth was. The sound of the doorbell made her jump and for a moment she hesitated before answering.
“Hiya chick, long time no see.” Said Shannon laughing as she walked through to the kitchen. “How come you wanted to see me?”
“Well, something occurred yesterday and it left me a little confused so I thought I’d just ask you about it.” Jess could feel her throat tighten. “Tea?” She went over to the kettle and clicked it on then reluctantly began. “Well I saw Joe yesterday, he dropped by as usual, and when I told him about your news he kind of, went all weird. The thing is I have no idea why. You don’t do you?” Jess couldn’t bring herself to look at Shannon but when she heard no reply she eventually looked up to find her with tears streaming down her eyes. It was true then, Jess thought as her heart sank.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen, it just kind of ... did. We didn’t want to hurt anyone, it was just that I was so lonely with Mark having gone away so I phoned here and he told me that you were away too.” Said Shannon through quiet sobs. At this Jess felt a deep sting of regret. “He suggested that I should come round and we could be lonely together so I accepted and when I got here he’d made dinner, which I never would have expected so I was really touched. I just felt so vulnerable and we connected so well over dinner that I think I just lost myself. I’m so sorry Jess.” She said with choking breath. She was so remorseful.
“Oh Shannon, what have you done? You’ve really messed everything up haven’t you?” Jess could feel herself coming close to tears at the sight of her emotionally damaged friend.
Just then the sound of the front door opening could be heard and before either of them could move Joe and Sam were standing in the doorway, their expressions sullen and in shock at what they saw before them.
Before Jess could say anything Shannon blurted out, “I told her. She knows everything. I told her we didn’t mean to hurt anybody. That it just happened and how sorry we are. If we could take it back we would. Right?” Shannon said looking towards Joe.
Then, with the biggest shock of her life, Jess realised. Shannon wasn’t looking at Joe. She was looking at Sam. Her Sam.
She turned to look at her husband, the most trustworthy man she’d ever known and watched him as he said, “I’m sorry, Jessica.”
The train was packed. Though it was to be expected, it was Saturday after all. Jess managed to get a seat early on which she was glad of because it was rather a long journey into the centre of town. Jess took out her book and began to read absent-mindedly. She found herself re-reading the same line over and over again so she decided to cease reading and just look out of the window for the remainder of the journey. She thought of what her hubby might be up to at the moment and how she had forgotten this morning to take her multi-vitamin tablet. She was angry with herself. It was so important for her body to be as healthy as it possibly could be at the moment. Jess also wondered about how withdrawn Shannon had seemed on their last few rendezvous’. Her husband Mark worked away a great deal and so she was often left to her own devises. She didn’t really have many close friends and with Jess’s new job also requiring her to work away Shannon often had to spend her evenings after work alone in their big house. Jess had often wondered why they had so many bedrooms and yet they didn’t seem intent on having children. After all they had been married for going on six years now.
Just as the thought of babies crossed her mind for the tenth time this morning Jess spotted a very heavily pregnant woman board the train. The carriage was still rammed with people and no one seemed likely to move for the young woman, let alone give up their seat. Jess hesitated. She was incredibly comfy where she was sat but she projected herself into the young woman’s position. Jess was very used to doing this. She always enjoyed pretending inside her head what it would be like to be pregnant. She wished for it so badly in reality that it couldn’t help but spill over into fantasy as well. Jess got up and offered the young woman her seat. She was extremely grateful and they proceeded to chat lightly about pregnancy related issues until Jess’s stop came some ten minutes later. She felt rather uplifted by this encounter but at the same time she felt the familiar pang of desire and hoped that she wouldn’t encounter anymore pregnant women today.
* * *
“God it feels like ages since we last saw each other. Don’t you think? How long’s it been, a month?” Shannon’s voice was full of excitement.
“Yeah, about that. You look so well, positively radiant hun. How’s the job?” said Jess with a small sigh of relief. She had been half expecting a reserved Shannon that needed coaxing out of her shell and she was glad that she didn’t have to apologise for being away either. She really hadn’t been looking forward to doing that because Jess could never pretend to feel something she didn’t and she loved being sent away to work.
“Oh it’s fine, same as ever. You, on the other hand, have been having a whale of time haven’t you? Oh, no need to look at me like that, I’m really happy for you. It’s great to have a job you love it’s just too bad we can’t all have that. Anyway, I have some news.” They had entered the food court of the Meteor shopping centre and had decided to sit at a table near the jacket potato shop. The hall was positively buzzing with the sound of happy shoppers pleased to not be in work and who were taking full advantage of the summer sales. Jess eyed an elderly couple who had just seated themselves by the balcony overlooking the lower level of shops. She watched as the husband took his wife’s coat and placed it lovingly on the empty chair beside him and again she thought of Sam.
“News? What kind of news?” Jess knew it had to be something positive because Shannon looked as though she was ready to burst. She couldn’t remember the last time she saw her this ecstatic.
“Well ... I’m pregnant! Can you believe it? I can’t, I’m so excited. I’m only two weeks gone which I know is very early but I felt sick the other day so I just thought I’d see and, well, I am. I went to the doctors yesterday and she confirmed it. It still hasn’t sunk in yet. I’m going to be a mum. Well, what you think?” Shannon’s voice stopped as abruptly as it had began and Jess felt herself being pulled out of the dark pit she had just fallen into at the sound of Shannon’s announcement.
“Oh, yes well, of course it’s wonderful. Congratulations. I’m really happy for you.” She said whilst trying to force a wide smile across her face. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy for Shannon, it was just that they had both wanted to start a family for a while now and it had become somewhat of a friendly competition between them as to who would get pregnant first. Jess had always thought it would be her because she is the younger of the two and she couldn’t help but feel a long, sharp stab of jealousy at the news. “So is that why I haven’t seen you in such a while, because of all this?” Jess said, trying to drag herself out of her jealousy spiral.
“Yeah that’s right, and I have been super busy with work, overtime and all that.” Shannon said with a little of the smile fading from the corners of her mouth. “Anyway, let’s shop. I need to get as much in now before I’m too big to carry my own shopping bags!”
* * *
Jess slammed the door closed behind her. It had been a long afternoon shopping with Shannon. All the talk of hormones and pregnancy cravings had began to wear on her in the end, and she didn’t much enjoy being hauled into Mothercare to look at tiny baby clothes and cots. It had crossed Jess’s mind more than once during the afternoon that Shannon was rubbing her nose into all this baby stuff, and was having a great time doing it. Jess felt a little moody with her friend now she was home but then thought of how she would behave if she had been the first to find out she was having a baby, and she allowed the annoyed part of herself to slip away.
She clicked the kettle on and sat at the oak dining table to survey what she had bought. She was just contemplating why exactly she’d bought a rainbow coloured halter neck dress when she heard the front door open and close on itself. “Joe.” She said to herself quietly. He always had a habit of sneaking about if he could. He came through to the kitchen and made a bee line straight for the fridge without even so much as a nod towards Jess.
After a moment or two of loading items such as a packet of ham and a loaf of bread into his arms and taking them over to the counter he said, “Hiya J, didn’t see you there. You making a cuppa? I’d love one myself.” So Jess got up and placed a second cup next to her own and poured the hot water over the tea bags. Her brother always did this type of thing so she was never much fussed when he came round and raided her fridge. Joe had a habit of dropping by unannounced. He lived in a flat a few miles away with two other guys and worked as a freelance photographer, at least when he could get the work. He used to model in his teens and when the jobs dried up as he got older he decided to move behind the camera, but Jess always had the impression that he resented all the fresh faced talent that walked through his door and, as a result, never made an effort to book new jobs. “So, how’s your day been J? I can see you’ve been shopping.” Joe said as he buttered a slice of bread.
“Yeah, I met up with Shannon and we had a girls day. Thought I might as well with Sam being away. How come you never went on the stag do, I thought you we’re friends with John as well?” Jess noticed that Joe had tensed slightly when she had mentioned Shannon’s name.
After a moments pause Joe said, “Ah well, you know how it is J, no money.”
“Well at least your saving money by eating my food. Oh, you never guess what she told me Joe?” Shannon’s announcement had just hurtled back into Jess’s brain.
“Hmmm?” Said Joe, without an ounce of interest.
“She’s pregnant. Told me today, she could hardly contain herself she’s so excited. I’m please for her of course but I can’t help thinking that ... Joe? You okay?” Jess watched as he spilled his tea all over her kitchen floor. He seamed surprised. “Joe?” She said again after no reply, “You alright?”
“Oh yeah, sure. Sorry J it’s just ... the tea’s hot, u know. Didn’t realise. I’m an idiot. Anyway better be off. Things to do and all that.” Joe said sounding suddenly rather flustered. He made a grab for his coat and was already halfway to the door before shouting back, “I’ll see you later, Sis.” The door slammed behind him and Jess was left standing in her kitchen staring at Joe’s half-made sandwiches. He had forgotten to take them. That wasn’t like him at all Jess thought to herself.
What had gotten into him, and why had he flipped out when she’d told him Shannon was pregnant? Then, almost instantaneously, Jess froze. A horrid thought was beginning to crawl across her sane thoughts like an evil little cockroach and her mind started racing. Joe had seemed utterly surprised, shocked even, to learn that Shannon was pregnant despite the fact that everyone knew how much she wanted a baby. It was as well documented within their circle of friends as Jess’s desire for a baby was. So why was he shocked? That tiny evil cockroach was growing bigger by the second when she recalled how he had tensed at even the mere mention of her name. “No!” Jess gasped, almost inaudibly. “He couldn’t be, could he?” She was ashamed to think it but she knew her brother’s reputation and how well he and Shannon got on. “He couldn’t be ... the father?” Her words seemed to echo across the room and linger so that she was unable to let go of them. She shook herself and insisting on thinking logically. Joe couldn’t be the father, when would they have had any time alone together? Plus her husband Mark had only recently whisked his wife away to Venice to apologise for being away a lot. At that moment Jess couldn’t believe Shannon complained about him as much as she did when he did things like that. “That must have been it.” She whispered to herself with a sigh of relief. “That must have been when she conceived.”
Jess couldn’t believe that she could think so ill of her oldest and closest friend so she decided to ring her, more for her own benefit than Shannon’s. After all, they had only seen each other some two hours ago. She picked up the phone dialled the familiar number.
“Hello?” It was a man’s voice that answered. Mark, the husband.
“Hi Mark, it’s Jess. Is Shan about at all?”
“Sorry no, she’s just popped out to the shop for milk. I can get her to ring you back if it’s urgent?” Mark said, through the sound of rustling papers.
“No never mind. I was just after a little chat, nothing important.” She was beginning to feel an enormous fool at having phoned to casually question her friend over who the father of her baby was. How could she even think it? To deflect the situation she decided to have a talk to Mark. She hadn’t spoken to him in what felt like a long time, though she chose not to mention the baby as she wasn’t sure Shannon had told him yet. It was funny how she had hardly mentioned Mark during their shopping trip but Jess quickly forced herself yet again to swallowed the seed of doubt growing in her throat “Anyway Mark, how you been keeping? How was the romantic trip to Venice? I bet Shannon was totally thrilled when you surprised her?”
“Ah, we never went.” His voice was firm and nonchalant. “I was called for a job in Reykjavik at the last minute ‘cause one of the guys from our team couldn’t make it, some family thing, so I volunteered. It was no big deal, only three weeks. Shannon understands it’s just part of my job. She’s probably used to it by now. Anyways, I better let you go. Got tons of paperwork here anyhow. Do you want me to tell Shannon you called?” Mark appeared in a hurry to get off the phone. Probably couldn’t wait to get back to work, Jess thought.
“Er ... no don’t bother. Just ask her to pop round tomorrow if she can. Erm, thanks Mark, speak to you soon.” Said Jess hanging up the phone. She felt bewildered by his abruptness and she began to understand why Shannon moaned about him so often. Mark didn’t seem to realise that he was putting his wife last after his job and his own needs, and in an instant Jess could understand the possibility of her friend seeking comfort from another man while her husband was away. As he so often was. Maybe Joe had been there for her when Mark had been in Iceland? After all, the dates would match and it wasn’t possible for Mark to be the father if he was indeed away for as long as he said. Jess felt so lucky to have Sam at that instant.
* * *
The next morning Jess awaited the arrival of Shannon with bated breath. She wanted to know the truth. Partly because it involved her brother but also because she felt as though she was loosing touch with her dearest friend and even though this was a complicated situation, she didn’t want to let their friendship slip away. Jess was going to make sure that she let Shannon know that she supported her, no matter what the truth was. The sound of the doorbell made her jump and for a moment she hesitated before answering.
“Hiya chick, long time no see.” Said Shannon laughing as she walked through to the kitchen. “How come you wanted to see me?”
“Well, something occurred yesterday and it left me a little confused so I thought I’d just ask you about it.” Jess could feel her throat tighten. “Tea?” She went over to the kettle and clicked it on then reluctantly began. “Well I saw Joe yesterday, he dropped by as usual, and when I told him about your news he kind of, went all weird. The thing is I have no idea why. You don’t do you?” Jess couldn’t bring herself to look at Shannon but when she heard no reply she eventually looked up to find her with tears streaming down her eyes. It was true then, Jess thought as her heart sank.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen, it just kind of ... did. We didn’t want to hurt anyone, it was just that I was so lonely with Mark having gone away so I phoned here and he told me that you were away too.” Said Shannon through quiet sobs. At this Jess felt a deep sting of regret. “He suggested that I should come round and we could be lonely together so I accepted and when I got here he’d made dinner, which I never would have expected so I was really touched. I just felt so vulnerable and we connected so well over dinner that I think I just lost myself. I’m so sorry Jess.” She said with choking breath. She was so remorseful.
“Oh Shannon, what have you done? You’ve really messed everything up haven’t you?” Jess could feel herself coming close to tears at the sight of her emotionally damaged friend.
Just then the sound of the front door opening could be heard and before either of them could move Joe and Sam were standing in the doorway, their expressions sullen and in shock at what they saw before them.
Before Jess could say anything Shannon blurted out, “I told her. She knows everything. I told her we didn’t mean to hurt anybody. That it just happened and how sorry we are. If we could take it back we would. Right?” Shannon said looking towards Joe.
Then, with the biggest shock of her life, Jess realised. Shannon wasn’t looking at Joe. She was looking at Sam. Her Sam.
She turned to look at her husband, the most trustworthy man she’d ever known and watched him as he said, “I’m sorry, Jessica.”
Tuesday 9 February 2010
Feel The Fear.
Run, run, try to find a safe place to hide,
He’s walking, slowly, footsteps of dread,
She is to become his reluctant bride.
Don’t argue, just smile, let everything slide,
But whatever you do don’t let him in your head,
Run, run, try to find a safe place to hide.
Crushing her hand, her freedom denied,
He shoves along, she’s easily led,
She is to become his reluctant bride.
Arriving home filled with fear, his eyes are wide,
Crashing to the ground with legs spread,
Run, run, try to find a safe place to hide.
Scrabbling to her feet, throwing furniture aside,
Running to the safety of her bed,
She is to become his reluctant bride.
Though knowing no difference, his rules she will abide,
Despite blood running deep crimson red.
Run, run, try to find a safe place to hide,
She is to become his reluctant bride.
He’s walking, slowly, footsteps of dread,
She is to become his reluctant bride.
Don’t argue, just smile, let everything slide,
But whatever you do don’t let him in your head,
Run, run, try to find a safe place to hide.
Crushing her hand, her freedom denied,
He shoves along, she’s easily led,
She is to become his reluctant bride.
Arriving home filled with fear, his eyes are wide,
Crashing to the ground with legs spread,
Run, run, try to find a safe place to hide.
Scrabbling to her feet, throwing furniture aside,
Running to the safety of her bed,
She is to become his reluctant bride.
Though knowing no difference, his rules she will abide,
Despite blood running deep crimson red.
Run, run, try to find a safe place to hide,
She is to become his reluctant bride.
The Wilting Rose.
The wilting rose of love once sweet,
Sat before us now in dying dread.
Aged promises of when we shall meet,
As now petals fall on her lover’s head.
Battles fought and lives began,
Flowers bloom and fade away.
Her loved one’s call forever rang,
But still the rose lies here today.
As petals fall and leaves dry,
Our rose lingers, clutching weakly to life.
She knows in her soul that he will die,
Her heart will forever pay the price.
With courageous strength the war was won,
Though she will be without her beloved one.
Sat before us now in dying dread.
Aged promises of when we shall meet,
As now petals fall on her lover’s head.
Battles fought and lives began,
Flowers bloom and fade away.
Her loved one’s call forever rang,
But still the rose lies here today.
As petals fall and leaves dry,
Our rose lingers, clutching weakly to life.
She knows in her soul that he will die,
Her heart will forever pay the price.
With courageous strength the war was won,
Though she will be without her beloved one.
Lets start with a haiku . . .
New York City.
Bright lights, vast buildings,
Stunning skyline of stars shine,
Dirty, crowded, great!
Bright lights, vast buildings,
Stunning skyline of stars shine,
Dirty, crowded, great!
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